Spiritual Reflection

          I have grown a lot this year. I started off the year by jumping into a leadership internship called 252. It is based off of the verse Luke 2:52 ("And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man"). I grew a lot that semester. I learned all the qualities of a leader, but more importantly I learned what it meant to be surrounded by good people. People who always breathe life, encourage, and support. A group of friends that are there for each other.  Through this internship I was encouraged to step out and learn how to serve in many areas in the church. I also began to be able to pray out loud.
          Then the summer I grew even more by leading my class of campers into daily Bible studies/ stories. I also was able to step out and lead worship for the entire camp for a week all by myself. It wasn't the best but I did it by relying on God! I also helped play guitar most every other day at chapel and at youth. All of those were big steps for me because before the summer I wouldn't play guitar in front of people. Last summer was not always spiritual highs though. I got into a relationship that I should not have. I thought everything would be okay because I was dating a pastor who was also my best friend. However, it went south. Lack of self control led to a lot of sin and conviction. I knew I needed out of that relationship but it was hard to end it because everyone else thought he was perfect for me. I knew what needed to happen, so I broke up with him.
          In the fall I jumped into a small group, and there I met my best friend. She challenged me a lot whether she realized it or not. I learned how to trust God more and how to be spirit lead in conversations and with my life.
          Finally, in December I went on my first mission trip. Over spring break I realized that God was calling me to higher things, because I sat and cried every day over wanting to go to Haiti. I didn't think I was going to be able to go, because I didn't know how I would be able to come up with the money. God provided though. In about 2 weeks after sending out only 7 support letters I had almost all the money needed for my trip. The rest came in shortly after. (God provides everything you need for what He is calling you to do). The trip itself was even more amazing. I wouldn't even know where to start to explain everything that happened. God really showed me how He is always there for me. He showed me how blessed I am, and He showed me the power of prayer.
          I cannot wait too see everything God has in store for me next year.

Jeremiah 17:5-8 MSG

^5-6 God’s Message:

“Cursed is the strong one
    who depends on mere humans,
Who thinks he can make it on muscle alone
    and sets God aside as dead weight.
He’s like a tumbleweed on the prairie,
    out of touch with the good earth.
He lives rootless and aimless
    in a land where nothing grows.

^7-8 “But blessed is the man who trusts me, God,
    the woman who sticks with God.
They’re like trees replanted in Eden,
    putting down roots near the rivers—
Never a worry through the hottest of summers,
    never dropping a leaf,
Serene and calm through droughts,
    bearing fresh fruit every season.”

 

 

It's Christmas Eve...

          It is Christmas Eve and I am not in the Christmas spirit. I have never cried more than I have cried in the last week. Nothing bad has happened to me. Actually, I just got back from a mission trip last Thursday. I must say Haiti rocked my world. I miss that country, culture, and people more than anything. I really don't think people understand that I left my heart there. I tell people I miss it and they are just like whatever but really I MISS IT!!! One of my leaders from the trip said whatever makes tears fall might be directed toward your calling/purpose. I prayed on the plane ride home that if I was meant to do missions or to go to Haiti again that he would lay it on my heart. Well God has more than placed it on my heart. I cannot stop thinking about it. Everything I see, do, or hear reminds me of Haiti somehow. If I could hop on a plane right now I would.
          I don't care to get a single present this Christmas. Nothing under a tree would make me as happy as I was in Haiti. Nothing will make me smile bigger than bridging a language barrier through worship. Nothing will brighten up my day more than getting to see a paralyzed lady be normal for a day. Nothing will compare to literally feeling God's mighty rushing wind.
         How can I get in a Christmas spirit when I know that America is focused on the wrong things. It is all about loving God and loving people not money, status, of materialistic things. Giving should also be done with joy and not as a duty because of a holiday. I asked my translator if Christmas was celebrated much there and he said it was. Haiti has it right though. Gifts don't matter. Christmas is not about presents but about one present that was born on that day many years ago. Fully human, fully man He came to bring us joy! His joy is what matters not happiness from gifts or anything else.

I just rambled on there but whatever. I wish I could cheer up but like I said earlier I am missing my heart. I left it somewhere that needed it more.

Financial Pressure

I know I have blogged about the recently, but it really is stressing me out. Financially, I do not know how I am go to finish out this year. It seems like I keep having so much I have to buy and my bank account keeps dwindling. It seems like my expenses are unending and my income is fighting a losing battle. I am not ready to grow up and have this financial pressure on myself. But then I remember how faithful God was in helping me raise the money for my mission trip and I know that he will help me even now.

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34

Sappy Monday

WAR EAGLE!

Now that is out of the way. I was reading my journal last night, and I read over a entry from last spring. I talked about how I really wanted/needed a best friend that lived here in Auburn. Well after a few months of praying, God finally allowed me to cross paths with the most amazing person! I really never expected to meet my best friend in a small group that in the last minute I decided to even go to. BUT I did. Jenna (Jaytay, fish, Gina Burgers) is seriously an answered prayer! She is fantastic in every way possible. She is always loving, always supportive, and always there for me. What more could I want in a friend? Even on her worst days she is still the best. She may not see that but I do! We are pretty much one big awko taco. We hung out for 48 days straight until she went home for thanksgiving break. That week was crazy for both of us and not really in good ways. I do believe God put us in each others lives so we could have someone to lean on when we need some support. SHe is a constant encouragement, and it is wonderful. I might strike down half the stuff she says as "lies," but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate her saying it! Anyways yeah, she is just FANTASTIC! Love you best friend!

PS I bet you are crying Jenna! 

 

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another 

 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Give Me Wisdom

God I look to You, I won’t be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You’re where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

If He never tempts us more than we can handle why do I fall into to it ever time? If he always gives us a way out why do I not see it? I am not doubting him, but I am doubting myself. I really do not want to be the same person I was. I want to be able to see the way out. I want to be special for my husband one day. I want to be able to give him something special. I need to figure this out and quick because I am running out of anything that could make me special.

 God I need wisdom to figure out what to do, and how to control myself. Help me to see how to overcome my past and not be overwhelmed by it. I'm tired of the guilt and shame that come with the memories. But what is worse is knowing I am still the same person. God I'm tired of being a let down to you and myself. I can't handle another failed attempt at a relationship. I look to you God, because you are where my help comes from. Give me wisdom. You know just what to do. You know the way out. You know what I need to do right now. You know what to I can do to change my ways, and you know how I can move on. You know it all, God. You are a father who truly wants the best for his daughter. I thank you for that. I thank you that you have forgiven my past and you have washed me clean. God keep me clean. Keep me special. Thank you God. Amen.

Sensitive

I am way to sensitive about my past. It is easy for me to talk about it, but if someone points out the obvious somehow I get really emotional over it. There is a difference in thinking things about myself, and having someone say the same things I think. Like I know I can't change it and I wish I had reacted differently back then but there is nothing to do now. It is still haunting though. Maybe I was slutty. Maybe I was easy. Maybe I still am. I wish I wasn't though. Why are guys so darn irresistible! these lustful desires need to go away.

²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

 

Ephesians 4:22-24

 

I guess I will continue fasting relationships. Sometimes I wonder though am I actually fasting to get close to God or am I just scared I will do the same things over again. Maybe it is a little of both and maybe that is not a bad thing. I should be scared of that happening again because it is not living the life I am called to. It is not a reflection of God. If avoiding the situations altogether is what I have to do right now then I guess I am okay with that.

Isolation

I have the hardest time when I am isolated from people. Yes, there are times when I like to be alone, but if I am forced to be alone and have no one to hang out with I go crazy. I was just at an amazing church service and was having a great night, but then within 5 minutes of being home I felt like crap. Satan has a way of making me feel so unloved when I am by myself. He tells me that I have no friends, no one wants to hang out with me, and that no one cares about me. I have to force myself not to believe those things. It is a struggle though, because really I feel like I have lost so many friends this year. I think I have made one friend this entire semester.. I love her to death but I do wish I had more friends. I guess that is just the enemy bringing me down again... ugh. I need to refuse to listen to the voice of less and instead listen to the voice of more, God. He will never leave me nor forsake me! He is the only friend I need, right?

The Holidays

Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year, but over the years they seem to have turned into more of a hassle and stress. I miss the times when there was one thanksgiving and one Christmas. Now I have to go to what seems like a million; mom's, dad's mom's parents, dad's parent's, step mom's parent's, and now step dad's parents. that's too much! Where is the relaxation? Oh wait! There isn't any! MY family stresses me out so much. I have to spend my holidays trying to spend equal time with everyone so I don't hurt anyone's feelings (It's impossible). I am glad I get to go on a mission trip this December though because in a way I get o have my own Christmas doing what I actually want to do!

My family has already been asking me what I want for Christmas, but I don't want any materialistic things. I want the support for my mission trip, and I want my family together this year. That's what I want this holiday season, but that is dreaming too big...

Interruption

I always start off my day with the one year bible and some worship music, so while I was sitting waiting for my class to start I started to zone in to God's word. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I got a little annoyed that my time with God was being interrupted. The girl behind me was asking me a question and I did not have the answer, yet she continued to keep talking. In my head I was thinking I would rather be digging into His word and that she needs to shut up... BUT wait a minute I shouldn't be upset over this! This is an opportunity to show God's love. I have the Bible pulled up on my screen and she can see that. If I handle myself in love and encouragement maybe she will put two and two together. But if I go on acting short and like she doesn't matter then I might be turning her off from God. God didn't care that my time with Him was being interrupted because he was the one who was giving me this opportunity.

Finances/Haiti

I have been struggling lately financially , but I now have a job and I got my first pay check yesterday. I thought that my financial burdens were going to go away now that I had a little income, but then I was told by my dad last night that he might not be able to help me pay for my college next semester. My money is due by December 13. There is no way that I can save up that much by then even I saved everything I make, so I am a little stressed.

I have been pondering with the idea of tithing since I got my job, and now with my finances being unstable it seems crazy to give my money away. However, I think now is the perfect time to start tithing. It is like saying "I have no doubts that you will provide, so here is part of what you have already provided for me."

********************************************************************************************************
There are a lot of things I need to work on before I leave for Haiti. For one, I have to stop complaining so much and be content with all that I have. I also have to break my coffee addiction. I know that might sound crazy but going 6 days without coffee could really make me sick and hinder me from things God might be calling me to do. I get really bad headaches when I don't get caffeine, and the headaches normally turn into migraines. I can't have that happen on my trip. SO until my trip I am going to be working on these things!

Discouragement

Yesterday was a very discouraging day. I was all hyped up about all the meetings I had, but they didn't really go as I expected. I have had a dream center in Auburn on my heart for a while now. Well the first meeting I went to was supposed to be on that, but when I told the coordinator what was on my heart she seemed to bash everything about it. Then at my mission trip meeting last night I heard someone talking about the dream center in Auburn and so I thought I would jump in. Again I was drilled with discouragement. I was told I can not help everyone. WHAT? I can sure try to help everyone that I can and for the people I can't help I can connect them to people that can help. I don't need to sit around and be selfish. I was also told that I didn't need to get too involved. It shouldn't be about me. Yes I need to fill myself up with God first but the rest should just be overflowing his love. There could be no way to pour out if I was filled myself. If I am filled up why can't I overflow?? Also if  I am being called to something why should I be told that it is not right. I don't know maybe my dreams are too big but I guess that is why it is called a DREAM center...

Another thing that stuck out to me was the lady said that we shouldn't serve by the principle "Find a need and fill it. Find a hurt and heal it." Like what is that. That is a great motto that we should live by. We were put on the earth to love God and to love his people. If my heart is "too big" in that I search for needs to be filled and hearts to be healed well I think God would be proud of me.

Then the thought crossed my head am I the one who wants the dream center or is it because God wants me to put one here... I thought it was because He wanted one but then nothing seems to be falling into place anymore. If it is his plan everything would work itself out, but yet all I am getting is discouragement.

I really need some encouragement from God if this is what He wants me to do. I am okay with walking away if it is not, but I really need to know.

Isaiah 43:18-19

If my past were a wall, I just ran into it. Memories I wish I could forget flooded my head. I don't know why I did all the stuff I have done and that's scary, but the worse thing is I don't know if I would be able to act differently if I could go back in time. The Bible says "flee from sexual immorality" (1 Cor. 6:18), but that is easier said than done. It's hard to turn around when you have been going one way for a long time. I need a 180 though, because I cannot handle any more bad memories added into the pile I already have. More importantly, I don't want to be on that same road, because that road is far from God. Instead, I want to be on the road that points to God.

Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours

I have had so many deep conversations with people lately, and God has broke my heart. I don't have the perfect life but when I hear of some of the things that the people around me are dealing with it makes life seem so much more real if that makes sense. These problems I have been hearing about are not little struggles but actual real life problems like depression, self harm, sexual abuse, wounds from the church, loss of purity, and a lot more. It hurts me to know that my friends are having to take on these battles, but then in the same way it is humbling to think he has put me in their lives to help carry their burdens and pain and to help them through it.

Also, I have really noticed lately how everyone views things differently. I mean yes that is obviously true but the more I think about it the crazier it is. I was having a conversation with someone today and they were talking about how the past few sermons at church have been so powerful. Then on the flip side, I thought the sermons have been good but I clearly was not impacted like she was. Not only is it crazy how people are emotional impacted but also how we see things differently. What is beautiful to someone is not always to others. I don't know I just think it is crazy how different each and every person is and that we are made that way for a specific reason. God gave us our traits for a reason, and he gave us our perspective for a reason. We are the way we are so we can reach people that other people cannot!

Random thoughts

Random thoughts:

• We all have our weaknesses but is in those weaknesses where are true character shines. We can show just how strong we are or we can show how easily we tossed around by life. Which will you choose? Will you be a strong tree rooted in the strength of God or will you aimlessly wonder like the leaves in the fall air?
• "We can know God's will by honoring and obeying him, and by refusing to be influenced by societal pressures. As we replace our old way of thinking and adopt an entirely new perspective- in line with God's point of view- we'll begin to recognize God's will more and more. We'll find it easier to hear his voice in a variety of situations. God may not dictate the details of our lives ( such as what specific clothes to wear), but he will give us spiritual principles for everyday decisions. knowing God's will results from doing his will as revealed in scripture."
• It is so much easier to hear God when we remove the clutter (the background noise) in our lives. When we let the world fade away, we see and hear God clearly. Fix your eyes and ears on God so he is all you see and all you hear.
• "He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted." Job 5:9
• Exactly one month until I go on my mission trip!
• God is good!

One Day at a Time

This week is going to be stressful, because I have so much going on with classes, church, and work. I get stressed out really easily, but I really need to focus on not getting caught up in it all. My focus needs to be taking it one day at a time and not overwhelming myself with the entire week.

 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Home

I have been trying to figure out where my home is. Is it my apartment, my mom's house, or my dad's house? I honestly don't know. But then it hit it doesn't matter. My home is with God. All of these places are only temporary homes but God is building my permanent home.

Wanting and Doing

I want to be everything He has called me to be and everything He wants me to be. I want every blessing he has for me and I want to thank him uncontrollably. I want to seek him every chance I can, and I want to serve him every way I can. I want to fulfill every opportunity I am blessed with and I want to see every encounter as and opportunity. I want to see everything the way God sees it and I want to do everything as if Jesus was doing it.

Unfortunately, wanting and doing are two different things...

All of Him

Forget "less of me and more of Him." I want "none of me, and all of him!"

Servant not a Slave

A lot of people who are not Christians think that Christianity is not fun. They think we have a book of rules that we have to live by, but they have it wrong. We don't live by a book of rules but a book of love! God sent his son to die for us and give us freedom. Yes freedom not a life of slavery and not a life of works. We are no longer under the law which was set up in the old testament, but we are under the blood of Christ. He shed his blood out for us so we no longer have to live by a book of rules but we can live by a relationship. It is about our position as a son and daughter and not about our performance. That is good news. It takes the pressure off us because God is not rewarding and punishing us for our performance. Someone once said, " The most important thing a Christian can do is have a right view of God:" the view of God as a father. A father who wants to simply know us and have a relationship with him.  "Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child." Galatians 4:7 NLT.

Random thought: Spiritual maturity is not when we seek to pay our own sins, but it is trusting God fully and in every aspect of life.

I have really been focusing on being a servant to God. The focal point of my prayers lately has been asking God to take my place and work through me and to give me opportunities to reach out to people. He answered that prayer immediately! It is almost an everyday thing now where someone literally comes up to me asks me advice about their life, asks for prayers, or begins to tell me stuff they have never told anyone else. I really do not want to sound big headed in the fact that I know God is working through me, because it is so humbling to think that He is allowing me to be a vessel for Him. BEYOND HUMBLING! I am honored that He has chosen me!

Growth

My focus everyday is to not be the same person I was yesterday. My goal is to take one step further in my relationship with God or to take one step forward in being a reflection of Christ. I want to continually grow each and everyday. I never want to plateau in my faith; I only want to continually climb reaching new heights in my faith!

Hurting People

"Hurting people hurt people." -Pastor Chris

 

I am taking a stand on my own thoughts. When people are rude to me I am going to stop thinking the worse of them, but instead I am going to look at the situation in the realization that the reason the person is being mean is because they have been hurt. It is so true though when people hurt people, it is because someone has hurt them or they're simply hurting on the inside. I need to look at the world through the lens of God; looking at the good in everyone and the good in everything. There is a reason for everyone's action, and I am choosing to think their action's justified (not always agreeing , but understanding where they could be coming from).

 

For example:

 

Someone cuts me off while driving: They must be trying to get to the hospital since their son is being born.

 

My professor yells at me: He just found out his wife is leaving him.

 

Roommates mean mug me: They must be annoyed because they didn't do too well on a test.

 

 

 

 

I Will Overcome

I wish I saw myself the way He sees me: perfect, beautiful, and smart. The number of good thoughts He has towards me outnumbers the number of grains of sand on the Earth. Yet, it is hard for me to come up with one or two good things about myself. Everything God makes is beautiful and wonderful, and I do believe that but not for myself. By saying words of destruction over myself I am not trying to insult God and who he made me to be, but it just how I see myself. I am not fishing for more compliments either. I feel like some people might think I am but I truly am not. I honestly wish I could receive a compliment and actually believe it.

These thoughts are just a way the enemy has gotten a hold of me, but I can overcome this. I WILL overcome this and view myself the way he sees me. 

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcame them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Drop the Stones

1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.
John 8:1-9


It is so easy to judge what people do. We think we would handle situations "better" and what not. Sometimes we even look down on people for their sins and think worse of them; however, God sees all sins the same. In the story in John the people are wanting to stone the woman because she committed adultery. Then Jesus comes on the scene and says "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Soon everyone began to drop their stones. Nowadays people aren't stoned, but metaphorically we still have stones in our hands and are ready to throw them. We have all sinned and since God sees all sins the same we need to stop being so critical of other people and instead show the love of God, the love that Jesus had for that woman and to stand up for her even if she didn't really deserve it.

Sin Cycle

Have you ever tried to change yourself? Yeah it rarely every works. I have noticed this in my own life. There are things I would like to overcome in my life, but have not been able to. I am caught in the sin cycle: convicted, try my hardest to overcome, do good for a while, then fall into sin again. I have finally found the reason why I constantly fail. I am relying on myself to overcome sin when I need to rely on God. It is selfish of me to try to do things by myself when there is a God so willing to help. The secret to overcoming the sin cycle is not by trying harder but by relying on the Holy Spirit moving within. Take the pressure off of yourself. Even on our best days it is not enough to do it on our own. Sin is a battle of flesh and spirit, so look to help from the Holy Spirit to overcome it.

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." Galatians 5:16-18

Freely Receive Freely Give

I was watching a sermon about relationships and my pastor was talking about how this married couple stayed together for 50 years. He asked the wife what the secret was to staying happily married. She said that when she they first got married she decided to make a list of her husbands worst flaws. She then said that when he did anything on that list she would brush it off and forgive him immediately. My pastor then asked what was an example of one of his flaws. She told him that she actually never made a list but when something happened that annoyed her or she saw as a flaw she would say "Lucky him that is on the list."

This is how we need to be. We need to be able to forgive people like that. Imagine how much happier we would be if we were not getting angry over everything, but rather we just let things slide. Forgiving is hard, but we will never have to forgive someone more than God has to forgive us. We all love the fact that no matter what we do God forgives us, yet we struggle with doing the same with others. We are so quick to receive forgiveness but slow to give forgiveness. We sit her keeping track of the wrongs when what we need to do is take a big eraser and erase it all, just like God does with us every morning even we do not deserve it!

No Regrets

I am not proud of things I have done in the past, and I am not proud of the person I was. However I have no regrets about my life because if none of that would have happened I would not be the person I am today. The brokenness in my past lead me to my salvation. In fact every time the world broke me God lifted me up. When the world let's go, we can clearly see the only one who never let's go. he is always holding on to us.

Outreach

Lately, I have noticed that I have a huge heart for the needy, the hurt, and the lost. I had a mission trip bonding day yesterday. I am going to Haiti in December and I cannot wait to see God use me to be his hands and feet. I am also thinking about going to the St. Louis dream center next summer. I just want to be there for people and to show them that there is always someone who loves them and is wanting to take care of them. Today I went to learn about outreach at my church and just realized how my city is in need of so much. I have felt called to put together a dream center here and I know if it is God's will it will happen. My heart goes out to this city and this world. I am going to try to take every opportunity that comes my way to make a difference in it!

He has called me higher!

His Plan

Today was one of those day that didn't go as planned. I had to register for classes for next semester, but when I tried to register my pin number was messed up. I drove to campus, parked in a restricted parking space (thankfully didn't get towed), ran to my advisors, and begged for her to fix it on her lunch class. Thankfully she did. I ended up not getting in 3 of the classes I had planned for which is stressful; however as I was venting to one of my friends she reminded me that it was apart of God's plan. There was a reason I didn't get in those classes, there was a reason that I was meant to drive to campus, and there was a reason I needed all of that to happen. Maybe it was for this realization; our plans do not matter, but only his plan. God has the master plan for life. He holds the blue prints, and He knows how everything is going to fit together. He works all things out for the good of those who love him.

I have had this plan for my life since I was a kid. Date a guy for 3 years, get engaged, get married at 25, have a kid by 27, become a PT, live in a big house, the typical American dream. BUT I shouldn't be unhappy if none of that happens. I need to flexible and open to everything God has for me. If he told me to drop out of college and live in Antarctica, well I should do just that. It is drastic to think about that and I doubt that  would ever be the case but I need to be at that point in my faith where I trust his plan so much that I would be happy to do that.

    However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:9

Being Aware

I found this video today and it really shows how important it is to be aware of the people around us. Like I talked about in my last post everyone is struggling with something. Also it is our job as believers to spread the gospel. However, it is not right to shove the Bible down someone's throat. We could witness all day long and never get through to anyone. The only way we can lead people to Christ is by God softening their hearts and allowing the moment to become divine. Furthermore, each encounter we have with people is designed to be divine. God places us in every situation for a reason, not always to witness but to have an impact. Sometimes we are called to talk about the good news but other times were are meant to show it. Francis of Assisi once said, "Preach the Gospel at all time and when necessary use words." Our life is what needs to reflect the gospel: our actions, words, and lifestyle. But again we cannot make an impact unless God is wanting it to happen, so instead of trying to always witness to people we need to pray that God gives us divine opportunities where He can work through us.

"God wants to touch people everyday in every moment...He is waiting to touch them and maybe that is through me."

"Anyone at any time of day, it could be there moment to meet Jesus."

Bad Fruits

In my last post I talked about struggles a little bit, so today I think I will lay all my struggle out there. I am no where near perfect and there are plenty of things I need to work on in my life. I am not striving to be perfect but a reflection of Christ. As we grow closer to God we see how imperfect we are.; we see his flawlessness and notice are own flaws. Acknowledging them is the first step in having God work within us to change them.

My struggles:

- low self esteem
- inability to accept compliments
- lust
- feeling inadequate
- complaining
- thinking the worst
- feeling like an annoyance to people
- overthinking
- fear of not being liked
- not always breathing life
- not feeling worthy
- occasional depression
- doubt
- not believing in myself
- desire to seek revenge
- judgmental thoughts
- taking life for granted
- materialism
- pride
- appearance
- worry
- stress
- forgiving others


He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2 (NIV)

As I was writing this I sat in a room full of college students who I did not know. I began to think and realize everyone around me was going through something and struggling with things as well. I wondered who was struggling with what. As I continued to look around I honestly eavesdropped on the conversations. Within seconds I realized one girl had a problem with alcohol, and another girl was having trouble with fitting in at church. It was almost as if for once I saw the world as Jesus did, full of hurt and pain and needing salvation. I need to view the world like this more often because God is going to use us to change the world but first we need to see what needs changed.


"Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don’t miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out." Colossians 4:5-6 (MSG)

Chains

Lord I falter and I fall down
Then I hold on to the chains you broke
When You came down and saved my soul
Save my soul

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

~The Struggle by Tenth Avenue North~

 

I heard this song this morning and it really sank in.

 

God sets us free from struggles yet we sit here and we hold on to our chains. Why? Why do we hold on to the things we have been trying to change or move past? We are free to struggle but we don't have to! His blood has covered us and we are made new. I am so guilty of strangling myself in the chains I am holding on to. God has broke them free, yet I won't put them down and move on. I sit there holding on to them, and continue to struggle on things that are useless.

But today I am going to stop struggling and realize I am free!

 

Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, Daughter Zion, now a captive. Isaiah 52:2

 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthian 5:17

Servant's Heart

My pastor always says when you find a need fill it, and today I got to do just that. This lady had been taking care of her mother who just recently passed away. Since her focus had been her mom her house took a back burner. A leaking roof recently caused part of the ceiling to collapse in on her house. She is currently unemployed and hurting on money. However today a group of people went to serve the socks off of her. As a group our mission was to reroof her entire house and fix the collapsed ceiling. The on and off again rain halted the work on her house but we were still able to remove all of the old shingles and replace the rotted wood that was underneath. Hopefully, the team will be able to shingle the entire roof on Monday and have her house back in the shape that it should be.

 

As I was helping collect all the fallen shingles and toss them in the dumpster one of the other volunteers looked at me and said, "I wish there was a way we could do this every Saturday." I agreed but little did she know that she said that to the right person. God has been working in me to set something up like that. Maybe God spoke that through her and into me, but I am not sure. All I know is that when she said that I knew God was calling me to do something.

 

I love getting to go out and serve and love on people when they just need that extra help. I am not saying all this to brag about the fact that I went on my Saturday to help someone, instead I am saying this humbly thanking God for the opportunity to go out and be the light for Him.

Relational Scars and a Fear of Failure

"I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part."

 

"I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part."

What ever happened to "until death do us apart?"

 

Fifty percent of marriages nowadays end in divorce.
The chances of divorce double for someone's whose parents were divorced.
Sixty percent of men are afraid to get married because it might end in divorce.
The average length of a marriage in America is 8.8 years.

These facts are terrifying but it is not the statistics that scare me. It is my parents own failure of a relationship that has built up scars on my heart. My dad had an affair.. possible multiple affairs while being married to my mom. I can remember the conversation so vividly. Coming home from the grocery store my mom stopped the car in a parking lot and burst into tears. When I asked her what was wrong she told me my dad was a cheater. That is a lot to take in... From that point on the fighting began. The CONSTANT arguing and yelling and destructive words exchanged between the two of them.

I remember one Saturday my family was supposed to go over to my grandma's so my parents told me and my brother to head to the car. We went outside and were waiting. Thirty minutes passed and we decided to go back in but the door was locked. We could hear the yelling all the way outside.. the fight went on for 8 hours, and my brother and I sat there locked outside waiting for them to even notice we were locked out. That is just one story.

They tried counseling but it didn't help. Then one day my dad told me he was going to live with my grandma.  The next day he was gone. He told me that one day when I was older he would tell me why they got a divorce. The thing is I already knew. My mom had told me, but he didn't know that. I didn't want to call him out and say he was a cheater. I had to "forgive," him immediately to try to even stay friends with him. To this day I still do not think he knows that I know why it happened, and I still act like I don't know.

After the divorce was final I thought things would actually be somewhat normal... hahaha NO! I have been put in the middle of everything. If I visit one and not the other someone's feelings get hurt. They won't communicate to each other so they communicate through me. They continually bash each other and say hurtful things about the other to me. I cannot handle that! My mom finds joy in suing my dad every chance she gets.  It is quite ridiculous. I can not even remember how many times last year alone my mom took my dad to court. But the last time was the worst. It was on my birthday. My mom asked me to testify against my dad... WHAT?! Why would I do that? That is stupid. And as for my birthday present it was a stack of court papers of everything that was said... Apparently my parents were yelling at each other so much in court that the judge literally walked up and left. That is pathetic! But the worst part was that afterwards my dad said if she ever tried to sue him again that he was going to have to cut ties with me. I think he just meant financially or at least I hope.


It is not that I fear being married, but I fear that my kids will go through the exact same thing. I never want anyone to have to go through what I went through, and so I am not sure if I will ever be able to get married because of that.

Through dating I have realized I have a ton of scars from all of this. Every time I find a flaw in a guy, I break up with him. Because if I see flaws now I fear that the flaws will end in failure later. I have never actually been able to fight right and make it through a fight with someone. I drop everything and run. Who I am trying not to become is already who I am! It haunts me with every relationship I try to have.

Honestly, I don't know how I pulled through the years of all of this. I am so lucky to have a had a friend that pulled me under her wings and to lead me to Christ, got me involved, and started the fire I now have inside of me for Him. I know God can change my perspective on marriage but it is going to take a while, so until then I am going to pray that God will not put another guy in my life until I am ready.

=================================================

It is funny how God shows us exactly what we need to see at the perfect moment. I typed up my story this morning and then this afternoon God seemed to respond to exactly what was on my heart. I was hanging out with my friend this afternoon. Nothing unordinary because well we have been hanging out for the past 14 days straight! She is my new best friend. Anyways so her parents came into town and I got to tag along with them. I know this might sound silly, but that family unity was what I needed to see. It has been a while since I have been around a family that is together and actually likes to be together. One that dances in the sonic parking lot, cracks jokes about good ole' Marcel (my car), and most importantly loves God. No, my perspective about marriage has not changed yet, but I do believe I took a step in the right direction today. Praise God for that!

Perfect Canidate

I have had a lot on my heart lately: a calling to do big things that only could be done with the help of God. With these dreams laid out in front of me I have found Satan working overtime in my life telling me that I am not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, and completely inadequate. He is wrong, right? No, he is right.. I am not good enough, but I am a perfect candidate for God to use me.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Through all my weaknesses God shows how powerful He actually is. God qualifies the called instead of calling the qualified. I don't have everything together; I am not perfect. Yet, this allows God to work even more in my life. I must rely on God to work through me in order to accomplish things. This is exactly how God intended things to be: sole reliance on Him and not ourselves.

I am excited to see what God is going to do with my imperfect self!

It is humbling to know that God has chosen me.

*****

The trust that he has in us is so infinite, yet our trust in him seems to always fall short. Why is that? We are sinners, we screw up, we fall short, and we will always mess up yet he still believes in us. He ALWAYS loves, ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS cares, and is ALWAYS right, and some how we lose our trust in Him at times... I know this is a random thought going through my mind right now but why? We should have trust and faith in Him as strong as He has in us because He will never let us down.

Guidance of a Father

          As I sat waiting for my class I noticed that a dad was walking his daughter around the building hand in hand. You could tell she was only beginning to learn how to walk, but she walked with confidence even though each step was an accomplishment. Her father continued to walk her around the building up and down the stairs and through the halls. While watching this I realized several things. First of all the girl even though she was walking in circles, she was so happy to simply be led by her father and to be able to be with him. Secondly, all though the stairs may have seemed like a mountain to her she did not fear because, she know her father would not let anything happen to her. Furthermore, I noticed the joy in the father's face. I think this simple picture reflects our relationship with God. He wants nothing more than to have us hold his hand and be led wherever He wants to take us: step by step trusting him that he will never let us fall no matter how many stairs (mountains) we have to climb. He is delighted when we walk with him and have the faith that He will always be beside us holding our hand and guiding us.