No Regrets

I am not proud of things I have done in the past, and I am not proud of the person I was. However I have no regrets about my life because if none of that would have happened I would not be the person I am today. The brokenness in my past lead me to my salvation. In fact every time the world broke me God lifted me up. When the world let's go, we can clearly see the only one who never let's go. he is always holding on to us.

Outreach

Lately, I have noticed that I have a huge heart for the needy, the hurt, and the lost. I had a mission trip bonding day yesterday. I am going to Haiti in December and I cannot wait to see God use me to be his hands and feet. I am also thinking about going to the St. Louis dream center next summer. I just want to be there for people and to show them that there is always someone who loves them and is wanting to take care of them. Today I went to learn about outreach at my church and just realized how my city is in need of so much. I have felt called to put together a dream center here and I know if it is God's will it will happen. My heart goes out to this city and this world. I am going to try to take every opportunity that comes my way to make a difference in it!

He has called me higher!

His Plan

Today was one of those day that didn't go as planned. I had to register for classes for next semester, but when I tried to register my pin number was messed up. I drove to campus, parked in a restricted parking space (thankfully didn't get towed), ran to my advisors, and begged for her to fix it on her lunch class. Thankfully she did. I ended up not getting in 3 of the classes I had planned for which is stressful; however as I was venting to one of my friends she reminded me that it was apart of God's plan. There was a reason I didn't get in those classes, there was a reason that I was meant to drive to campus, and there was a reason I needed all of that to happen. Maybe it was for this realization; our plans do not matter, but only his plan. God has the master plan for life. He holds the blue prints, and He knows how everything is going to fit together. He works all things out for the good of those who love him.

I have had this plan for my life since I was a kid. Date a guy for 3 years, get engaged, get married at 25, have a kid by 27, become a PT, live in a big house, the typical American dream. BUT I shouldn't be unhappy if none of that happens. I need to flexible and open to everything God has for me. If he told me to drop out of college and live in Antarctica, well I should do just that. It is drastic to think about that and I doubt that  would ever be the case but I need to be at that point in my faith where I trust his plan so much that I would be happy to do that.

    However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:9

Being Aware

I found this video today and it really shows how important it is to be aware of the people around us. Like I talked about in my last post everyone is struggling with something. Also it is our job as believers to spread the gospel. However, it is not right to shove the Bible down someone's throat. We could witness all day long and never get through to anyone. The only way we can lead people to Christ is by God softening their hearts and allowing the moment to become divine. Furthermore, each encounter we have with people is designed to be divine. God places us in every situation for a reason, not always to witness but to have an impact. Sometimes we are called to talk about the good news but other times were are meant to show it. Francis of Assisi once said, "Preach the Gospel at all time and when necessary use words." Our life is what needs to reflect the gospel: our actions, words, and lifestyle. But again we cannot make an impact unless God is wanting it to happen, so instead of trying to always witness to people we need to pray that God gives us divine opportunities where He can work through us.

"God wants to touch people everyday in every moment...He is waiting to touch them and maybe that is through me."

"Anyone at any time of day, it could be there moment to meet Jesus."

Bad Fruits

In my last post I talked about struggles a little bit, so today I think I will lay all my struggle out there. I am no where near perfect and there are plenty of things I need to work on in my life. I am not striving to be perfect but a reflection of Christ. As we grow closer to God we see how imperfect we are.; we see his flawlessness and notice are own flaws. Acknowledging them is the first step in having God work within us to change them.

My struggles:

- low self esteem
- inability to accept compliments
- lust
- feeling inadequate
- complaining
- thinking the worst
- feeling like an annoyance to people
- overthinking
- fear of not being liked
- not always breathing life
- not feeling worthy
- occasional depression
- doubt
- not believing in myself
- desire to seek revenge
- judgmental thoughts
- taking life for granted
- materialism
- pride
- appearance
- worry
- stress
- forgiving others


He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2 (NIV)

As I was writing this I sat in a room full of college students who I did not know. I began to think and realize everyone around me was going through something and struggling with things as well. I wondered who was struggling with what. As I continued to look around I honestly eavesdropped on the conversations. Within seconds I realized one girl had a problem with alcohol, and another girl was having trouble with fitting in at church. It was almost as if for once I saw the world as Jesus did, full of hurt and pain and needing salvation. I need to view the world like this more often because God is going to use us to change the world but first we need to see what needs changed.


"Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don’t miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out." Colossians 4:5-6 (MSG)

Chains

Lord I falter and I fall down
Then I hold on to the chains you broke
When You came down and saved my soul
Save my soul

Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
So children drop your chains and sing

~The Struggle by Tenth Avenue North~

 

I heard this song this morning and it really sank in.

 

God sets us free from struggles yet we sit here and we hold on to our chains. Why? Why do we hold on to the things we have been trying to change or move past? We are free to struggle but we don't have to! His blood has covered us and we are made new. I am so guilty of strangling myself in the chains I am holding on to. God has broke them free, yet I won't put them down and move on. I sit there holding on to them, and continue to struggle on things that are useless.

But today I am going to stop struggling and realize I am free!

 

Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, Daughter Zion, now a captive. Isaiah 52:2

 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthian 5:17

Servant's Heart

My pastor always says when you find a need fill it, and today I got to do just that. This lady had been taking care of her mother who just recently passed away. Since her focus had been her mom her house took a back burner. A leaking roof recently caused part of the ceiling to collapse in on her house. She is currently unemployed and hurting on money. However today a group of people went to serve the socks off of her. As a group our mission was to reroof her entire house and fix the collapsed ceiling. The on and off again rain halted the work on her house but we were still able to remove all of the old shingles and replace the rotted wood that was underneath. Hopefully, the team will be able to shingle the entire roof on Monday and have her house back in the shape that it should be.

 

As I was helping collect all the fallen shingles and toss them in the dumpster one of the other volunteers looked at me and said, "I wish there was a way we could do this every Saturday." I agreed but little did she know that she said that to the right person. God has been working in me to set something up like that. Maybe God spoke that through her and into me, but I am not sure. All I know is that when she said that I knew God was calling me to do something.

 

I love getting to go out and serve and love on people when they just need that extra help. I am not saying all this to brag about the fact that I went on my Saturday to help someone, instead I am saying this humbly thanking God for the opportunity to go out and be the light for Him.

Relational Scars and a Fear of Failure

"I _____, take you ______, to be my wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part."

 

"I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part."

What ever happened to "until death do us apart?"

 

Fifty percent of marriages nowadays end in divorce.
The chances of divorce double for someone's whose parents were divorced.
Sixty percent of men are afraid to get married because it might end in divorce.
The average length of a marriage in America is 8.8 years.

These facts are terrifying but it is not the statistics that scare me. It is my parents own failure of a relationship that has built up scars on my heart. My dad had an affair.. possible multiple affairs while being married to my mom. I can remember the conversation so vividly. Coming home from the grocery store my mom stopped the car in a parking lot and burst into tears. When I asked her what was wrong she told me my dad was a cheater. That is a lot to take in... From that point on the fighting began. The CONSTANT arguing and yelling and destructive words exchanged between the two of them.

I remember one Saturday my family was supposed to go over to my grandma's so my parents told me and my brother to head to the car. We went outside and were waiting. Thirty minutes passed and we decided to go back in but the door was locked. We could hear the yelling all the way outside.. the fight went on for 8 hours, and my brother and I sat there locked outside waiting for them to even notice we were locked out. That is just one story.

They tried counseling but it didn't help. Then one day my dad told me he was going to live with my grandma.  The next day he was gone. He told me that one day when I was older he would tell me why they got a divorce. The thing is I already knew. My mom had told me, but he didn't know that. I didn't want to call him out and say he was a cheater. I had to "forgive," him immediately to try to even stay friends with him. To this day I still do not think he knows that I know why it happened, and I still act like I don't know.

After the divorce was final I thought things would actually be somewhat normal... hahaha NO! I have been put in the middle of everything. If I visit one and not the other someone's feelings get hurt. They won't communicate to each other so they communicate through me. They continually bash each other and say hurtful things about the other to me. I cannot handle that! My mom finds joy in suing my dad every chance she gets.  It is quite ridiculous. I can not even remember how many times last year alone my mom took my dad to court. But the last time was the worst. It was on my birthday. My mom asked me to testify against my dad... WHAT?! Why would I do that? That is stupid. And as for my birthday present it was a stack of court papers of everything that was said... Apparently my parents were yelling at each other so much in court that the judge literally walked up and left. That is pathetic! But the worst part was that afterwards my dad said if she ever tried to sue him again that he was going to have to cut ties with me. I think he just meant financially or at least I hope.


It is not that I fear being married, but I fear that my kids will go through the exact same thing. I never want anyone to have to go through what I went through, and so I am not sure if I will ever be able to get married because of that.

Through dating I have realized I have a ton of scars from all of this. Every time I find a flaw in a guy, I break up with him. Because if I see flaws now I fear that the flaws will end in failure later. I have never actually been able to fight right and make it through a fight with someone. I drop everything and run. Who I am trying not to become is already who I am! It haunts me with every relationship I try to have.

Honestly, I don't know how I pulled through the years of all of this. I am so lucky to have a had a friend that pulled me under her wings and to lead me to Christ, got me involved, and started the fire I now have inside of me for Him. I know God can change my perspective on marriage but it is going to take a while, so until then I am going to pray that God will not put another guy in my life until I am ready.

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It is funny how God shows us exactly what we need to see at the perfect moment. I typed up my story this morning and then this afternoon God seemed to respond to exactly what was on my heart. I was hanging out with my friend this afternoon. Nothing unordinary because well we have been hanging out for the past 14 days straight! She is my new best friend. Anyways so her parents came into town and I got to tag along with them. I know this might sound silly, but that family unity was what I needed to see. It has been a while since I have been around a family that is together and actually likes to be together. One that dances in the sonic parking lot, cracks jokes about good ole' Marcel (my car), and most importantly loves God. No, my perspective about marriage has not changed yet, but I do believe I took a step in the right direction today. Praise God for that!

Perfect Canidate

I have had a lot on my heart lately: a calling to do big things that only could be done with the help of God. With these dreams laid out in front of me I have found Satan working overtime in my life telling me that I am not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, and completely inadequate. He is wrong, right? No, he is right.. I am not good enough, but I am a perfect candidate for God to use me.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Through all my weaknesses God shows how powerful He actually is. God qualifies the called instead of calling the qualified. I don't have everything together; I am not perfect. Yet, this allows God to work even more in my life. I must rely on God to work through me in order to accomplish things. This is exactly how God intended things to be: sole reliance on Him and not ourselves.

I am excited to see what God is going to do with my imperfect self!

It is humbling to know that God has chosen me.

*****

The trust that he has in us is so infinite, yet our trust in him seems to always fall short. Why is that? We are sinners, we screw up, we fall short, and we will always mess up yet he still believes in us. He ALWAYS loves, ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS cares, and is ALWAYS right, and some how we lose our trust in Him at times... I know this is a random thought going through my mind right now but why? We should have trust and faith in Him as strong as He has in us because He will never let us down.

Guidance of a Father

          As I sat waiting for my class I noticed that a dad was walking his daughter around the building hand in hand. You could tell she was only beginning to learn how to walk, but she walked with confidence even though each step was an accomplishment. Her father continued to walk her around the building up and down the stairs and through the halls. While watching this I realized several things. First of all the girl even though she was walking in circles, she was so happy to simply be led by her father and to be able to be with him. Secondly, all though the stairs may have seemed like a mountain to her she did not fear because, she know her father would not let anything happen to her. Furthermore, I noticed the joy in the father's face. I think this simple picture reflects our relationship with God. He wants nothing more than to have us hold his hand and be led wherever He wants to take us: step by step trusting him that he will never let us fall no matter how many stairs (mountains) we have to climb. He is delighted when we walk with him and have the faith that He will always be beside us holding our hand and guiding us.