Give Me Wisdom

God I look to You, I won’t be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You’re where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

If He never tempts us more than we can handle why do I fall into to it ever time? If he always gives us a way out why do I not see it? I am not doubting him, but I am doubting myself. I really do not want to be the same person I was. I want to be able to see the way out. I want to be special for my husband one day. I want to be able to give him something special. I need to figure this out and quick because I am running out of anything that could make me special.

 God I need wisdom to figure out what to do, and how to control myself. Help me to see how to overcome my past and not be overwhelmed by it. I'm tired of the guilt and shame that come with the memories. But what is worse is knowing I am still the same person. God I'm tired of being a let down to you and myself. I can't handle another failed attempt at a relationship. I look to you God, because you are where my help comes from. Give me wisdom. You know just what to do. You know the way out. You know what I need to do right now. You know what to I can do to change my ways, and you know how I can move on. You know it all, God. You are a father who truly wants the best for his daughter. I thank you for that. I thank you that you have forgiven my past and you have washed me clean. God keep me clean. Keep me special. Thank you God. Amen.

Sensitive

I am way to sensitive about my past. It is easy for me to talk about it, but if someone points out the obvious somehow I get really emotional over it. There is a difference in thinking things about myself, and having someone say the same things I think. Like I know I can't change it and I wish I had reacted differently back then but there is nothing to do now. It is still haunting though. Maybe I was slutty. Maybe I was easy. Maybe I still am. I wish I wasn't though. Why are guys so darn irresistible! these lustful desires need to go away.

²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

 

Ephesians 4:22-24

 

I guess I will continue fasting relationships. Sometimes I wonder though am I actually fasting to get close to God or am I just scared I will do the same things over again. Maybe it is a little of both and maybe that is not a bad thing. I should be scared of that happening again because it is not living the life I am called to. It is not a reflection of God. If avoiding the situations altogether is what I have to do right now then I guess I am okay with that.

Isolation

I have the hardest time when I am isolated from people. Yes, there are times when I like to be alone, but if I am forced to be alone and have no one to hang out with I go crazy. I was just at an amazing church service and was having a great night, but then within 5 minutes of being home I felt like crap. Satan has a way of making me feel so unloved when I am by myself. He tells me that I have no friends, no one wants to hang out with me, and that no one cares about me. I have to force myself not to believe those things. It is a struggle though, because really I feel like I have lost so many friends this year. I think I have made one friend this entire semester.. I love her to death but I do wish I had more friends. I guess that is just the enemy bringing me down again... ugh. I need to refuse to listen to the voice of less and instead listen to the voice of more, God. He will never leave me nor forsake me! He is the only friend I need, right?

The Holidays

Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year, but over the years they seem to have turned into more of a hassle and stress. I miss the times when there was one thanksgiving and one Christmas. Now I have to go to what seems like a million; mom's, dad's mom's parents, dad's parent's, step mom's parent's, and now step dad's parents. that's too much! Where is the relaxation? Oh wait! There isn't any! MY family stresses me out so much. I have to spend my holidays trying to spend equal time with everyone so I don't hurt anyone's feelings (It's impossible). I am glad I get to go on a mission trip this December though because in a way I get o have my own Christmas doing what I actually want to do!

My family has already been asking me what I want for Christmas, but I don't want any materialistic things. I want the support for my mission trip, and I want my family together this year. That's what I want this holiday season, but that is dreaming too big...

Interruption

I always start off my day with the one year bible and some worship music, so while I was sitting waiting for my class to start I started to zone in to God's word. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I got a little annoyed that my time with God was being interrupted. The girl behind me was asking me a question and I did not have the answer, yet she continued to keep talking. In my head I was thinking I would rather be digging into His word and that she needs to shut up... BUT wait a minute I shouldn't be upset over this! This is an opportunity to show God's love. I have the Bible pulled up on my screen and she can see that. If I handle myself in love and encouragement maybe she will put two and two together. But if I go on acting short and like she doesn't matter then I might be turning her off from God. God didn't care that my time with Him was being interrupted because he was the one who was giving me this opportunity.

Finances/Haiti

I have been struggling lately financially , but I now have a job and I got my first pay check yesterday. I thought that my financial burdens were going to go away now that I had a little income, but then I was told by my dad last night that he might not be able to help me pay for my college next semester. My money is due by December 13. There is no way that I can save up that much by then even I saved everything I make, so I am a little stressed.

I have been pondering with the idea of tithing since I got my job, and now with my finances being unstable it seems crazy to give my money away. However, I think now is the perfect time to start tithing. It is like saying "I have no doubts that you will provide, so here is part of what you have already provided for me."

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There are a lot of things I need to work on before I leave for Haiti. For one, I have to stop complaining so much and be content with all that I have. I also have to break my coffee addiction. I know that might sound crazy but going 6 days without coffee could really make me sick and hinder me from things God might be calling me to do. I get really bad headaches when I don't get caffeine, and the headaches normally turn into migraines. I can't have that happen on my trip. SO until my trip I am going to be working on these things!

Discouragement

Yesterday was a very discouraging day. I was all hyped up about all the meetings I had, but they didn't really go as I expected. I have had a dream center in Auburn on my heart for a while now. Well the first meeting I went to was supposed to be on that, but when I told the coordinator what was on my heart she seemed to bash everything about it. Then at my mission trip meeting last night I heard someone talking about the dream center in Auburn and so I thought I would jump in. Again I was drilled with discouragement. I was told I can not help everyone. WHAT? I can sure try to help everyone that I can and for the people I can't help I can connect them to people that can help. I don't need to sit around and be selfish. I was also told that I didn't need to get too involved. It shouldn't be about me. Yes I need to fill myself up with God first but the rest should just be overflowing his love. There could be no way to pour out if I was filled myself. If I am filled up why can't I overflow?? Also if  I am being called to something why should I be told that it is not right. I don't know maybe my dreams are too big but I guess that is why it is called a DREAM center...

Another thing that stuck out to me was the lady said that we shouldn't serve by the principle "Find a need and fill it. Find a hurt and heal it." Like what is that. That is a great motto that we should live by. We were put on the earth to love God and to love his people. If my heart is "too big" in that I search for needs to be filled and hearts to be healed well I think God would be proud of me.

Then the thought crossed my head am I the one who wants the dream center or is it because God wants me to put one here... I thought it was because He wanted one but then nothing seems to be falling into place anymore. If it is his plan everything would work itself out, but yet all I am getting is discouragement.

I really need some encouragement from God if this is what He wants me to do. I am okay with walking away if it is not, but I really need to know.

Isaiah 43:18-19

If my past were a wall, I just ran into it. Memories I wish I could forget flooded my head. I don't know why I did all the stuff I have done and that's scary, but the worse thing is I don't know if I would be able to act differently if I could go back in time. The Bible says "flee from sexual immorality" (1 Cor. 6:18), but that is easier said than done. It's hard to turn around when you have been going one way for a long time. I need a 180 though, because I cannot handle any more bad memories added into the pile I already have. More importantly, I don't want to be on that same road, because that road is far from God. Instead, I want to be on the road that points to God.

Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours

I have had so many deep conversations with people lately, and God has broke my heart. I don't have the perfect life but when I hear of some of the things that the people around me are dealing with it makes life seem so much more real if that makes sense. These problems I have been hearing about are not little struggles but actual real life problems like depression, self harm, sexual abuse, wounds from the church, loss of purity, and a lot more. It hurts me to know that my friends are having to take on these battles, but then in the same way it is humbling to think he has put me in their lives to help carry their burdens and pain and to help them through it.

Also, I have really noticed lately how everyone views things differently. I mean yes that is obviously true but the more I think about it the crazier it is. I was having a conversation with someone today and they were talking about how the past few sermons at church have been so powerful. Then on the flip side, I thought the sermons have been good but I clearly was not impacted like she was. Not only is it crazy how people are emotional impacted but also how we see things differently. What is beautiful to someone is not always to others. I don't know I just think it is crazy how different each and every person is and that we are made that way for a specific reason. God gave us our traits for a reason, and he gave us our perspective for a reason. We are the way we are so we can reach people that other people cannot!

Random thoughts

Random thoughts:

• We all have our weaknesses but is in those weaknesses where are true character shines. We can show just how strong we are or we can show how easily we tossed around by life. Which will you choose? Will you be a strong tree rooted in the strength of God or will you aimlessly wonder like the leaves in the fall air?
• "We can know God's will by honoring and obeying him, and by refusing to be influenced by societal pressures. As we replace our old way of thinking and adopt an entirely new perspective- in line with God's point of view- we'll begin to recognize God's will more and more. We'll find it easier to hear his voice in a variety of situations. God may not dictate the details of our lives ( such as what specific clothes to wear), but he will give us spiritual principles for everyday decisions. knowing God's will results from doing his will as revealed in scripture."
• It is so much easier to hear God when we remove the clutter (the background noise) in our lives. When we let the world fade away, we see and hear God clearly. Fix your eyes and ears on God so he is all you see and all you hear.
• "He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted." Job 5:9
• Exactly one month until I go on my mission trip!
• God is good!

One Day at a Time

This week is going to be stressful, because I have so much going on with classes, church, and work. I get stressed out really easily, but I really need to focus on not getting caught up in it all. My focus needs to be taking it one day at a time and not overwhelming myself with the entire week.

 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Home

I have been trying to figure out where my home is. Is it my apartment, my mom's house, or my dad's house? I honestly don't know. But then it hit it doesn't matter. My home is with God. All of these places are only temporary homes but God is building my permanent home.

Wanting and Doing

I want to be everything He has called me to be and everything He wants me to be. I want every blessing he has for me and I want to thank him uncontrollably. I want to seek him every chance I can, and I want to serve him every way I can. I want to fulfill every opportunity I am blessed with and I want to see every encounter as and opportunity. I want to see everything the way God sees it and I want to do everything as if Jesus was doing it.

Unfortunately, wanting and doing are two different things...

All of Him

Forget "less of me and more of Him." I want "none of me, and all of him!"

Servant not a Slave

A lot of people who are not Christians think that Christianity is not fun. They think we have a book of rules that we have to live by, but they have it wrong. We don't live by a book of rules but a book of love! God sent his son to die for us and give us freedom. Yes freedom not a life of slavery and not a life of works. We are no longer under the law which was set up in the old testament, but we are under the blood of Christ. He shed his blood out for us so we no longer have to live by a book of rules but we can live by a relationship. It is about our position as a son and daughter and not about our performance. That is good news. It takes the pressure off us because God is not rewarding and punishing us for our performance. Someone once said, " The most important thing a Christian can do is have a right view of God:" the view of God as a father. A father who wants to simply know us and have a relationship with him.  "Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child." Galatians 4:7 NLT.

Random thought: Spiritual maturity is not when we seek to pay our own sins, but it is trusting God fully and in every aspect of life.

I have really been focusing on being a servant to God. The focal point of my prayers lately has been asking God to take my place and work through me and to give me opportunities to reach out to people. He answered that prayer immediately! It is almost an everyday thing now where someone literally comes up to me asks me advice about their life, asks for prayers, or begins to tell me stuff they have never told anyone else. I really do not want to sound big headed in the fact that I know God is working through me, because it is so humbling to think that He is allowing me to be a vessel for Him. BEYOND HUMBLING! I am honored that He has chosen me!

Growth

My focus everyday is to not be the same person I was yesterday. My goal is to take one step further in my relationship with God or to take one step forward in being a reflection of Christ. I want to continually grow each and everyday. I never want to plateau in my faith; I only want to continually climb reaching new heights in my faith!

Hurting People

"Hurting people hurt people." -Pastor Chris

 

I am taking a stand on my own thoughts. When people are rude to me I am going to stop thinking the worse of them, but instead I am going to look at the situation in the realization that the reason the person is being mean is because they have been hurt. It is so true though when people hurt people, it is because someone has hurt them or they're simply hurting on the inside. I need to look at the world through the lens of God; looking at the good in everyone and the good in everything. There is a reason for everyone's action, and I am choosing to think their action's justified (not always agreeing , but understanding where they could be coming from).

 

For example:

 

Someone cuts me off while driving: They must be trying to get to the hospital since their son is being born.

 

My professor yells at me: He just found out his wife is leaving him.

 

Roommates mean mug me: They must be annoyed because they didn't do too well on a test.

 

 

 

 

I Will Overcome

I wish I saw myself the way He sees me: perfect, beautiful, and smart. The number of good thoughts He has towards me outnumbers the number of grains of sand on the Earth. Yet, it is hard for me to come up with one or two good things about myself. Everything God makes is beautiful and wonderful, and I do believe that but not for myself. By saying words of destruction over myself I am not trying to insult God and who he made me to be, but it just how I see myself. I am not fishing for more compliments either. I feel like some people might think I am but I truly am not. I honestly wish I could receive a compliment and actually believe it.

These thoughts are just a way the enemy has gotten a hold of me, but I can overcome this. I WILL overcome this and view myself the way he sees me. 

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcame them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4

Drop the Stones

1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.
John 8:1-9


It is so easy to judge what people do. We think we would handle situations "better" and what not. Sometimes we even look down on people for their sins and think worse of them; however, God sees all sins the same. In the story in John the people are wanting to stone the woman because she committed adultery. Then Jesus comes on the scene and says "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Soon everyone began to drop their stones. Nowadays people aren't stoned, but metaphorically we still have stones in our hands and are ready to throw them. We have all sinned and since God sees all sins the same we need to stop being so critical of other people and instead show the love of God, the love that Jesus had for that woman and to stand up for her even if she didn't really deserve it.

Sin Cycle

Have you ever tried to change yourself? Yeah it rarely every works. I have noticed this in my own life. There are things I would like to overcome in my life, but have not been able to. I am caught in the sin cycle: convicted, try my hardest to overcome, do good for a while, then fall into sin again. I have finally found the reason why I constantly fail. I am relying on myself to overcome sin when I need to rely on God. It is selfish of me to try to do things by myself when there is a God so willing to help. The secret to overcoming the sin cycle is not by trying harder but by relying on the Holy Spirit moving within. Take the pressure off of yourself. Even on our best days it is not enough to do it on our own. Sin is a battle of flesh and spirit, so look to help from the Holy Spirit to overcome it.

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." Galatians 5:16-18

Freely Receive Freely Give

I was watching a sermon about relationships and my pastor was talking about how this married couple stayed together for 50 years. He asked the wife what the secret was to staying happily married. She said that when she they first got married she decided to make a list of her husbands worst flaws. She then said that when he did anything on that list she would brush it off and forgive him immediately. My pastor then asked what was an example of one of his flaws. She told him that she actually never made a list but when something happened that annoyed her or she saw as a flaw she would say "Lucky him that is on the list."

This is how we need to be. We need to be able to forgive people like that. Imagine how much happier we would be if we were not getting angry over everything, but rather we just let things slide. Forgiving is hard, but we will never have to forgive someone more than God has to forgive us. We all love the fact that no matter what we do God forgives us, yet we struggle with doing the same with others. We are so quick to receive forgiveness but slow to give forgiveness. We sit her keeping track of the wrongs when what we need to do is take a big eraser and erase it all, just like God does with us every morning even we do not deserve it!