Roller Coaster

Yesterday was not a good day at all. I woke up feeling completely miserable. I had a sore throat, cough, achy body, and I was completely weak. Every time I stood up or walked I would feel like I was going to pass out. I actually almost did pass out in the shower. I got super light headed and decided to lay on the floor. It helped and I ended up not passing out but it was scary anyways. I went to the one class I had but I just felt like puking the entire time. I had work that afternoon, so I just called in since I felt like death. Then last night was One, the college ministry at my church. I love One, and I was glad it started back for the semester. In worship though I just couldn't get focused and wasn't getting into it. I prayed for focus and that every distraction would fade away and that it would only be me and God. It didn't help. I really just wanted to go home. Then Ty started speaking and he was talking about how people's relationship with God sometimes changes. He continued on saying that it is ALWAYS because they either quit worshiping, praying, or reading His word. I thought about my own life and question then why relationsihp with God was not right. I have been seeking him with all I have. I couldn't help but want to burst into tears the entire time. I made it through the service got in my car and flooded my car with tears. I was frustrated as to why God was not speaking to me or acknowledging the fact that He was with me and behind me. I was in the worst mood ever. I hit an all time spiritual low. I have never been mad at God until that point. I still don't know why He is ignoring me. I went to bed really upset about it all.

I woke up this morning not as upset but still really confused. I decided to break my fast because somehow it was just making things worse. I talked to a friend about what I was going through and she gave me some great encouragement.

 "I've prayed about this and I feel like it is OKAY TO STOP YOUR FAST. I believe that this is not a problem of spiritual drought, but of negativity. God has not left you. Praise god for the food before you eat it and tell Him that even though you don't feel him there that you KNOW he is because he is FAITHFUL and his promises are true. 2 Corinthians 10:5 talks about taking captive every thought and I think that's what you need to do. The enemy is battling you right now and it's time to go to war, Katie. Put on your armor and defeat those feelings of depravity. Pronounce Jesus lord of lords and omnipotent. He knows what you are going through. Read the word and focus on his promises to you and praise him. Philippians 4:8 says to meditate on what is praiseworthy and even though you don't feel like he's there, you've got to stomp out those negative thoughts of abandonment and praise him for adoption."

I did break my fast. As soon as I got home from class I prayed and worshiped and then shoveled food into my mouth. It was a real blessing to be able to eat something. I felt pretty good about it too. I wasn't upset about quitting or anything. I had peace over it. After I filled my belly up for the first time in 5 days, I went thrift shopping and found an awesome sweater and vest. (SCORE!) Then I went to pick up my paycheck and realized I had got a raise. (ANOTHER BLESSING!) Everything was going fantastic until I got a text from my ex. I am not saying he was the cause of my day going downhill, but it was the start of it. I then ended up getting my keys locked in my car, and had to drop a quarter of my paycheck to get them out. :( frustrating! It was funny though because the guy across from me at the gas station had the same thing happen, so a locksmith was pulling up right after it happened. We were both riding the struggle bus or were we locked out of the struggle bus? haha anyways yeah. I went up to my church to do some homework and I was taking some Psyc surveys for my class and those things pretty much put me in a depressed mood. I am trying to brush it off but some questions just made me feel terrible about myself. It didn't help that I don't have any friends in town to call up either. I feel really lonely. I know that is just an attack of the enemy, because there is always someone there with me, God. Yeah, I have been struggling with that, but I do believe He is always there even when I don't feel like He is. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. 

Needless to say the past week has just been a real roller coaster for me. I am going to push through all of it though. I will be filled at some point, so I will just keep pushing toward that. I will work on taking each thought captive, removing every lie of the enemy, and focusing on the promises of God.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8